January Blues

I am sitting here all cosy in my bed, wrapped up in my duvet with multiple pillows propping me up into a semi-comfortable writing position. It has just gone midnight, and I have finally decided I am in the right mood to write. I have been thinking about what I should write for days now, but every time I start, it just doesn't feel right. My mind has been all over the place for the last week or so, but earlier today the random thoughts started to string together and form sentences. So here I am, once again, tapping away on my keyboard, hoping to produce something at least remotely interesting...

January. For a lot of traditional circus artists, the synonym of January is rest. The busiest time of our year has just finished and now it's time to go home and relax, to hibernate and regather our strength for the new season. It is a time for mending costumes, deep cleaning the caravans, repairing props and getting through those pesky jobs that have been piling up throughout the previous year.

Most circus folk have a permanent base somewhere in the world, and this is where they often return to in their downtime. For many this is a vital part of their lives, it is a time when they can reconnect with family and take a well-deserved rest from life on the road.

However this is not always the case, for many of us including myself every January/February we experience what I call the blues. Yes, I am tired from the previous season and the crazy Christmas run, and I also know my body needs a rest. But the thought of spending the next two and a half months staring at four walls, makes me feel as though I want to scream.

Every time we are nearing the end of the season, I sense the shadow looming on my back knowing soon I will arrive back home, (or simply the house, for it is no home to me). I already know that I will feel trapped and suffocated, as though I am in a prison, a place where dreams are crushed. The world is going by and I am getting left behind. I feel I am missing out on something, that life is being wasted whilst I sit in one place.

I used to move back into the house for the two months, however I now prefer to stay in my caravan in the garden, so I at least have my own small sanctuary in this place I am supposed to call my home.

In the years in which I attempted to stay in the house, I struggled relentlessly with lack of sleep, headaches and the constant lack of energy, my immunity would drop and I would end up ill. I would miss the sound of the rain on the rooftop, the bristling of the branches and the calm constant hum of the generator (the beating heart of my home). I really struggled with being so distant from nature. The air in the house always felt too dry, stale and warm, and overall I would end up spending limited time outdoors, this is one of the main things that I think affected my well-being.

Although I now stay in my caravan in the garden, and that has improved my disposition, I still do all I can to spend as little time here as possible. Over the last few years, cheap air travel and Airbnb have become my best friends, and I have become quite adept at solo-travelling (AKA my go-to survival mode).

You see, growing up I was always told that if you are not happy then you have to do something about it. There is no point waiting for miracles to happen. If you are not happy where you are, then move - you are not a tree.

When I was younger I used to get more upset about a difficult situation, now I realise that although my situation may not be ideal, it is very much within my power to change it, and in fact it is my responsibility to do so. Because the happier I am, the more functional I am as a human being, and the more reliable I am to myself and to those around me.

So now instead of sitting here, letting myself spiral and draining myself of all creative initiative, I sit here and stress out about which country I should visit next, and how I should pack for three different climates in one go! We all have different coping mechanisms, I suppose I have found mine.

Saying that though... It's already nearing the end of January, I have been here for two weeks, all my friends are calling me and asking how it is even possible that I am still in the country! Well actually there are a few reasons for that, firstly being that I have a lot of office/computer work to do... yes even circus artists have paperwork to tackle. I also process UK visas for many other artists, and this year, I have quite the workload, which has left me no option but to stay put for a bit longer than I originally planned. I even ended up forfeiting the £24 Ryanair flight that I booked myself for a few days ago, simply because I was overloaded with work.

However, it really is time for me to go somewhere, because I already feel myself slowly letting in the feeling of being stuck. My eagerness for creativity has dropped, and I am rapidly losing motivation. I even woke up yesterday morning and decided I needed to get bangs ... thankfully by the time I arrived at the hairdresser I regained some of my senses and decided to go for a long layered fringe instead. Which thankfully I haven't regretted yet...

I suppose to most people I sound like a complete lunatic and yeah, I agree actually. The only half-decent excuse I can come up with is that I am a creative individual. Which means that my life is a series of extreme highs, where I feel like I am dancing on rays of sunshine… and then extreme lows where I feel like I am at the bottom of the ocean, with all the pressure of the water pushing against me. I can drop from high to low and then jump back up again all within the space of ten minutes. It's hard to maintain a happy medium, but I am learning, or at least trying my best. The main thing is to remember that I am not a tree.

Soo all in all, what I'm saying is... I think it is time to kick these January blues to the curb and to go on an adventure...I will keep you updated...